Life, Love, Friendship

I've lived a very sad, depressing life. I've been to Hell and back, so to speak, and I need a break. I never had really good friends when I was in high school or middle school, or even in elementary school because my parents had been going through a wicked divorce and I was never free to be with people and I was often shielded and frightened of people, and nobody ever encouraged me to be otherwise. When I came to college, things seemed like they would be different, and for the beginning times, they were. I met wonderful people whom I loved, and they loved me, and for a little while, things were good. There was only one catch- they were older than me and they were destined to graduate first and leave me behind. Well, I met this wonderful girl from New Zealand and I loved her with all of my heart, I'm not sure why, but I thought of her like an older sister and I tried to tell her that on several occassions. At first she seemed all anxious to get to know me and she seemed to like me; I was the one who was too scared and shy to do anything. But then towards the middle of my sophomore year, I got a little braver and I wanted to spend time with her and get to know her and let her know just how great I thought she was. But I felt like I was sadly too late- she seemed to have lost interest and I felt like yesterday's news. She talked once about mentoring me in my relationship with God. At first, I was a little unsure of the idea, but then I realized that if it would bring me closer to God and her, then it was worth it, so I told her I was interested, but she let it go. As the year rolled on, I tried to make time in my busy schedule to spend with her, but she never got back to me, and I felt like she lost interest in me or that she didn't want to spend any time. Still, I loved her and I thought she was great, and I wanted to spend time with her because I thought she was great. Well, remember how I said that my friends were all older than me and they were going to graduate soon? That happened last spring- all of them graduated except for my Kiwi friend and another friend from the Netherlands, who is supposed to come back in the fall. My Kiwi friend, however, was devistated, as was I, and she grieved for quite a while, as I could see. I wanted to become closer friends- to get to know her and have a real relationship, for me to share stuff with her and for her to share stuff with me, and to feel like she wanted to see me and that she loved me as much as I loved her. She told me last summer that she would try to be there more for me, and I prayed that she meant it. Well, I didn't get a dorm, so I asked if we could room together, and she told me that there was no more room because she was going to be living with a bunch of other girls (she actually only ended up living with one), but that I could live in the baptist boarding house up the road, and I was heartbroken, but I let it go because I loved her, and when you love somebody, you forgive. I tried all year to invite her to things, but she never really responded to me, and finally, I got frustrated because she's leaving in a few short weeks to graduate, and all I wanted was to spend some extra time with her to make up for lost time because even if I do see her again, it won't be for a long time. She told me that she would probably never see me again, which crushed me because a goodbye shouldn't be a goodbye forever. Nonetheless, I told her that I was in need of a close friendship and I wanted a deeper relationship. She told me that I couldn't have that and that we were no longer friends. Why can't I have close friends who love me as much as I love them? How hard is it to say, "I love you," or "I care about you," or to call or email once in a while to see how things are going? How much time or effort does that take? What is wrong with me that I can't have a close relationship? I just don't understand. Maybe I love too much. Love can be painful. It can be just as evil as it can be good. I still love her. I just wish that the feelings were mutual. I can't understand why so many people are important in her life, but that I mean so little, when all this time, she meant the world to me and I tried my hardest to let her know it. I am so stupid. I am incredibly stupid and naive. I let myself love somebody who wasn't willing to even try to get to know me or let me try to get to know them, and now I'm under love's spell. I don't regret loving her- I still do. There's no reason why we can't be real friends, real, deep, true-blood friends who share everything, who cry together, who hug eachother, who laugh together; she just doesn't want it. A friend is someone who cares about you. A good friend is someone who cares about you and shares stuff with you and who you share stuff with as well. A great friends is someone whom you love like family, and who loves you the same way. I wish I had that. I really wish I had that...